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A property manager dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding." So he chooses to check out hell first.
He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and doing the limbo (and nobody's doing the Macarena!). Everyone is laughing and having a great time.
Next St. Peter takes him up to heaven to look around. Everything is white and pristine. People are speaking softly about philosophy and mathematical formulas. Others are simply contemplative and serene. He's bored in about five minutes.
St. Peter then says to the property manager, "I want you to sleep on it and meet me back here in the morning to let me know your decision." The next morning he comes back and says to St. Peter, "Heaven is very nice and all, but hell looks great, so I've decided that I want to go to hell". So St. Peter puts him on the escalator down to hell.
When he gets there he sees Satan whipping people and there's fire everywhere and everyone is screaming in pain. So he goes over to Satan and says "Hey, what gives here? Yesterday I came here to check the place out and everyone had me partying and it looked like a great time. What happened?"
Satan looks at him and says "You used to be a property manager so you ought to know the answer to your own question. Yesterday you were a prospect. Today you're just another resident!"
Updated: 30/06/2006
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Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Updated: 30/06/2006
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A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
Updated: 30/06/2006
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As PROPERTY manager of single-family residences, I was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions: "Professionally employed?" "We're a military family," the wife answered. "Children?" "Yes, nine and twelve," she told me proudly. "Animals?" "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
Updated: 30/06/2006
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